Seeking your thoughts....

As my daughter Ryann approaches her thirteenth birthday she is preparing herself for a journey that many of us started years before. Her body is changing and with the physical changes will come moments of pleasure as well as those times of intense embarrassment. Mentally she is learning just how big the world is and how endless are her choices. She is only beginning to comprehend all the options that await her. She is just now starting to understand how she will be the one to choose her way though the world.

A mother’s advice, while priceless, is often discarded during this
transition. I can only trust that the words I have already spoken to
her will be heard throughout her life. The words of other women can
have a powerful impact on the life of a young woman.

I would like to give my daughter the gift of other women’s wisdom. I
envision a compilation of essays bound together. I would like to give
her the thoughts, dreams, hopes and aspirations from the women who have
already embarked on their personal journeys. Along with the positive
experiences, many of us have experienced sadness, disappointment, fear
and uncertainty and that could be shared with her as well.

Will you please take a few minutes of your valuable time and share with
her some of the wisdom you have learned in your life journey? There are no rules or guidelines other than what you feel is important to share. Share a story, offer advice…the option is yours. Write as little or as much as you feel comfortable sharing. There is a simple questionnaire that I ask you return with your essay.

It would be most helpful if you could email the essay by April 15th.
If there are women you admire, please forward this email to them as
well. Emailed essays should be sent to rymada@hotmail.com


Your name: ______________________________________

Your age: __________

Your occupation: ______________________________________


SAMPLE STARTS/IDEAS:

“The most important thing to remember about being a woman is…”

“The best advice that I was given was…”

“As you become a young woman…”

“I wish someone had told me…”

“What being a woman means to me…”

My Friend "Barking Shark"

So, last night Jenn and I are talking to Amy who admits to having eaten a HUGE amount of sugar free candy. Sugar free candy is made with Malitol which can cause EXPLOSIVE SQUARE FARTS!!!

This morning I get the following message:

May have laxative effect:
Oh
My
Friggin
God.

Let's put it this way....went to let a little gas out, right?

WRONG.
Totally shat myself.
AT WORK.
I'll let you have a laugh - how can you not?


I start giggling....a little bit later, I get this message:

this is bordering on truly ridiculous, now.... it hasn't stopped...I am concerned about dehydration, because more water is pouring out of me than I can get in. I broke down and sipped a gatorade along with water...

never ever ever ever evr again will I eat this stuff. I threw the jelly beans away..scared...

oh, going to the post office was fun....*clench* breathe...*clench* breathe....

At this point tears are starting to form....and a new message appears:

LOL your'e welcome..I got sick of pooping water, so I just made the most NUMMY burritos, Atkins style... so now I can have a mexican tornado shoot out my butt, y'know, change things up a bit. If I were to describe what was going on, it sounds like a violent tropical thunderstorm in my guts, someone has put my intestines on 'whip' and then booted up to 'puree'.

Sorry about Crotchheads at work...I have them too....

Did I just say 'crotchheads'?????

Just when I thought I had heard everything - this email appeared:

do not, I repeat, do not hold a rat in your lap for sympathy furbaby love while having explosive farting diarrhea...rat will peel out of lap at 4000 rpm's because you scared the living shit out of it.

And to think you all thought "BarkingShark" had something to do with undewater creatures-----snort


What is just as amusing is her response to "so what did you end up doing at work?

BarkingShark: I shot out of chair, stif-legged it to potty...and cleaned up as much as possible - pants, undies..thank god it was mostle liquid and didnt really stain. Wrapped papertowel into a pad and wore it while undies and pants dried out a bit.

furry

Removing superglue and plastic from body....

It's amazing how I can still type even though I can't really feel the keyboard.

How do you remove superglue? Especially if it has firmly adhered plastic to your body so tightly that Hummer couldn't pull it apart?

Quit giggling or I won't tell you what happened.

It had been a long week and the kids had really stepped up to the plate. I had a 3 hour community parenting meeting after work on Thursday (made some awesome contacts by the way and really put myself out there for additional seminars). On Saturday, I was at Parent University all morning (another 4 hours).

Ryann watched the boys and everything went well. So I decided that Sunday we would take a trip to the zoo and have some fun.

Ryann woke up Sunday with a fever and since the weather was still a little too brisk, I scratched the whole Zoo trip. But I wanted to do something nice for them. So.....and don't laugh at me....I took them to Chuck E. Cheese. I know, I know - I swore I would never voluntarily step foot in that place again......but I did.

I read my book and they had a blast for several hours.

They earned handfuls of tickets. And at the end they turned in the tickets and picked out plastic cheap toys/trinkets.

Welll.....on the way home one of the cheap plastic toys broke and a child was distraught. So - mom to the rescue with SUPERGLUE. Cheap plastic toys are made with cheap plastic that can flake and melt from the power of SUPERGLUE --- and now you know why I have plastic fused to my fingers.

And the toy....by the time, I had it fixed, the interest had wanned and the toy was no longer desired. I thought about SUPERGLUING it to Dane's forehead but figured that would cause a few comments to be raised about my parenting skills.

So....about the removal of SUPERGLUE and plastic.....any ideas?

Claim to Fame?

Fate has a wicked sense of humor sometimes.

The photographer was a perfect male specimen – not too tall, not too short, well groomed with a nicely defined ass. His soft South African accent made my ears tingle with anticipation waiting for the next words to be spoken.

It was early evening, the stars just beginning to twinkle in the slowly darkening sky. The wind was softly blowing the curtains.

He was standing in my bathroom. The smell of the scented candle I lit filled the room with the soft scent of jasmine.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub gazing up at him with expectation and even a little excitement. I could feel my heart beat a little faster.

Then he looked at me with his head slightly cocked and uttered the words I was dreading… “So, you are the toilet paper lady.”

Reality came crashing back with a loud THUNK.

The handsome photographer was there to take pictures of me providing instructions on how to replace an empty roll of toilet paper with a full roll.

When did dreamy foreign accents and toilet paper get so confused…?

…it was late at night when I read about the Outrageous Job Posting Contest. I must have been tired – I posted an ad…..

Company: Furry's World
Rate: (Contract $1,000)
Type: Contract
City: Chicago Suburbs

I am willing to come to your home to teach all the residents the proper method of putting on a new roll of toilet paper.

History will be explained. Technique will be demonstrated and all participants will have the opportunity to practice in real-life situations.

All participants will be awarded with a certificate of completion and a 4-pack roll of 2-ply toilet paper.

*Note: Only the "Roll Over" method is used.


Before I knew it Bill from the Chicago Tribune was emailing me. He wanted to do a story on the job. The interview was so much fun. I did try to add a serious aspect to it by mentioning my counseling skills and domestic stress busters.

Following the interview was the photo shoot. Now you know why I was sitting in my bathroom with a hunk of a photographer posing with toilet paper.

I just want to let Mr. Whipple know that he doesn’t need to update his resume; I am not competition. And for the record, I didn’t squeeze the Charmin.

My 15 minutes of fame will be published March 20th. I can proudly go forward – not as Ryann’s mother, not as Mason’s mom, not as Dane’s mommy – but I can step boldly into the spotlight as The Toilet Paper Teacher.

furry

Anyone want a little boy....

Free. 7 year old boy. Good homes need not apply.

At my son's monthly check up there was a young and very very handsome intern with a wonderful sense of humor. I wasn't like SLUT FLIRTING but I was perhaps a little friendly and maybe a little more chatty.

My 7 year old says to me in a loud voice (in front of the handsome dreamy eyed doctor) "mom, you are 43 years OLD, aren't you too OLD for him"

He didn't need the shot - but he got one anyway - with the biggest needle I could find........sigh

If you want him - he's yours.