Being Me?

I've been thinking (I know 'RUN')

First a little history - I left home when I was 16 and never went back. I got a full time job and finished high school. I always supported myself and worked. At first I had jobs simply to pay the bills. Later as my education increased so did my job responsibilities. I got an associates degree as a Legal Secretary because that was what "career girls did".

I got my Bachelors in Management because I wanted out of the secretary pool. I become an administrative assistant. I got my Masters in Business because I wanted more. I became an IS Manager.

At 29, I got married because I was expected and if I waited I would be an "old maid". So I married the first person who asked.

By 30, I had my first child - because that is what married women are expected to do. I had two more children.

I then "woke" up and realized I was in a bad marriage (okay, so I knew beforehand but I was too afraid to do anything about it until "the incident" - then I was more afraid of staying in the marriage).

At age 38, I finally found something that clicked with me - it was psychology. I found my passion! Off to grad school I went - full-time while still working full-time and figuring out what it meant to be a single mother of three. It wasn't easy but I felt alive for the first time in my life. No one really expected me to finish the program 12 months early - heck, I am sure many didn't think I would finish at all. I squeezed a year long practicum into my schedule while not letting go of anything.

Fast forward a little.

I am now going full steam ahead for my doctorate. I am still working full-time, and raising the children alone. I am also trying to build up a 20 hour a week counseling practice.

I love it! I know that this is my choice and my dream.

But (you all knew the "but" was coming didn't you?)....

Due to my schedule, I spend about 4 hours a night on school work after an 8 hour work day. I do this in the living room with constant interaction with the children. I try to make sure that we eat all dinners together as a family. On weekends we do one thing together as a family. But, I don't read stories to the kids anymore - I don't play monopoly or do more real interactions with them each night.

As soon as my daughter was old enough to watch the boys on her own - I celebrated. I love going to the grocery store by myself. I love going to a seminar to lead a parenting discussion. I love making excuses to simply escape for a little me time - escaping from the kids and work and even school.

So, the problem ---- I am feeling like for the first time in my life that I am acting too selfishly. I want to move more into my future than I do to say in my current role. I find myself looking forward to the time when the kids are even older and (dare I even say it) moved out of home. I find myself more and more thinking about the time when I can do more parenting and weekend seminars...when I can start teaching weekend and evening courses.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children deeply and I am committed to being the best parent I can be - but lately I am finding myself more and more focused on what I want out of life. I don't even find myself seriously considering a relationship with anyone because it would mean giving up some of "my" time. I am not feeling resentful - but I do find myself with an awareness that the time I spend with them does take away from the time I could be doing more of "my" stuff.

Does this make sense?

So, why am I writing this post? Because I would like to know if any of you feel the same way? It's not something you often discuss in person with friends --- what if they judge you negatively? What if they misunderstand and think you are trying to slack off on parenting? What if they think you resent being a mother?

I sometimes look at individuals who made the decision to remain single and childfree and I will admit that this has a lot of positives to me. Knowing what I know - would I make the same decisions? I don't know if I would. That kinda bothers me sometimes.

So....long post.....do we all give up some of ourselves to be wives/mothers? Do we work to reclaim that or do we work within the "confines". Is it selfish or healthy?

Before I die....

When you look back on life, don't regret the things you did, but rather all the things you did not do............

100 things I want to do before I die.....

1. Run in a marathon - not win - just run to the end
2. Spend time with my some-day grandchildren
3. Finish my doctorate (2 years away!!!)
4. Buy another dream house and decorate exactly like I want
5. Camel safari in Africa
6. See my children find their path in lives
7. Go to Hawaii
8. Visit Washington DC
9. Write the 6+ novels bouncing in my head
10. Visit Australia
11. Find my path in life (I found it)
12. Own a yellow Ford Escape
13. Go back to Alaska for a visit
14. Own my own ranch
15. Eat sushi in Japan
16. Get a full body massage
17. Lose the excess weight I have
18. Celebrate my 100th birthday
19. Travel throughout India
20. Travel throughout Asia
21. Take a cruise
22. Take kids to Disneyworld
23. Start private practice (I have business cards!!!)
24. Establish my dream practice/center
25. Get mole/cyst removed from side of nose
26. Find/Buy another Count Snerk D'Fur
27. Have sex again with a man
28. See Stonehenge
29. Have breakfast in the Rockies
30. Visit Italy
31. Visit Morocco
32. Visit Egypt
33. Visit South America
34. Visit Europe
35. Visit Tibet
36. Buy a bike and take a bike tour of some place beautiful and relatively flat
37. Eat lobster in Maine
38. Eat Crawfish in New Orleans during Maudi Gras
39. Enjoy Tapas in Portugal
40. Go diving with Humpback Whales
41. Dig for dino bones
42. Walk along the Great Wall of China
43. Take a nap under a redwood tree
44. Eat a banana picked fresh off the tree
45. See Gorillas in the wild
46. Spend a week alone somewhere in some wilderness
47. Go white water rafting in Idaho (again)
48. Get personalized license plates
49. Buy myself a really nice piece of jewerly
50. Have a huge huge huge 50th birthday party
51. donate blood more regularily - I only do about 4 times a year
52. learn to play a musical instrument
53. learn to roller blade
54. run for local office
55. shower in a waterfall
56. write a children's book
57. snorkle around the Great Barrier Reef
58. watch the night sky from near Area 54
59. help someone else complete an item on their list
60. jump into a kiddee pool full of jello

will be adding to the list until I reach 100

Things I have already done....

1. Watched volcano eruptions -- Alaska and Mt St. Helen's
2. Survived hurricane
3. Survived flash flood
4. survived forest fire
5. survived earthquakes
6. eye witnessed a tidal wave (very small)
7. Lived in Alaska
8. Walked on a glacier
9. Petted a life muskox
10. moose/deer/bear hunting
11. owned a fox/hawk/skunk/raccoon
12. eaten pinenuts fresh from pinecones
13. lived in semi-wilderness for 2 weeks
14. been homeless
15. had my dream home
16. been married / divorced
17. have children
18. ran over by a car
19. have a Masters in Business
20. have a Masters in Professional Counseling
21. am a Licensed Professional Counselor
22. met incredible people on line
23. saved a human life
24. helped clean up an oil spill
25. touched a whale
26. have been on Mt. McKinely - lower slopes
27. held a baby mountain lion
28. fed a baby elephant
29. owned a tarantula
30. Met a president
31. Met a supreme court justice
32. seen the Grand Canyon
33. watch Apollo 13 actually launch in 1970
34. was watching tv when the Challenger exploded
35. have a bag of ash from Mt. St. Helens
36. help a calf get born
37. eaten rattlesnake
38. have been a guest on a talk show
39. was a radio dj
40. have broken several bones
41. can speak a foreign language
42. have been to Mexico
43. have been to Canada
44. have met a few "famous" people
45. seen Niagra Falls
46. been in and out of coma
47. Lived in many different US states
48. raced motorcycles
49. thrown from a horse a few times
50. mined for garnets, rubies and gold
51. eaten alligator
52. taught my son to snowboard
53. eaten moose, bear, and buffaloe
54. eaten whale blubber ice cream
55. caught a rattle snake
56. dropped coins on an alligator's head
57. fed marshmellows to an alligator
58. stole a box turtle from the Everglades when I was 8
59. interviewed for article in Business Week
60. called at home by the CDC
61. interviewed by FBI regarding brother
62. dressed in black and rescued rabbits at midnight
63. was a "victim" during a emergency drill
64. planted pine trees on a mountain side after a forest fire
65. spent a summer on a tower looking for forest fires
66. spent a weekend counting seals on an island
67. seen the northern lights (a lot)
68. been both on seashores of the US
69. was lost at sea for 2 days
70. been in a helicopter and a 2 seater airplane
71. received the Governors' Wives award for Volunteerism
72. had dinner with Maya Angelou
73. am in medical books of 1965
74. had an APB out for my arrest when I was 18
75. been drunk in 12 different states
76. used to dissolve slugs with salt

Kids, kids and more kids

Long weekends always means having kids spend the night. Friday night I hosted a slumber party for my son. It included five 10-year-old (one is mine), an 8 year-old, and a 7-year-old (mine). Add to that my 12-year-old daughter.

The boys are all into Yu-Gi-Oh. They all brought their trading cards and Gameboy's and while I knew they were speaking in English, I couldn't understand a word of what they were saying.

Tonight, it's payback time with a few extra 12-year-old girls.

Between all the pizza, cake, rootbeer floats, Chinese takeout and shopping mall pretzels and cheese ---- I am sure I have gained five pounds to go with all the "cool" points I have earned.

I also know who's got a crush on who....and I've been told my fashion sense is now hopelessy outdated.

The smell of nail polish has permeated every surface.

I must confess, I have a blast with the kids and like being involved.

I love my cell phone!

The new cell phone has voice recognition...if I say "call World's Biggest Asshole" the phone responds "connecting to World's Biggest Asshole" and then the exhole answers - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

I actually called him the other day just to hear the phone recording.

New Gadgets

I have had a cell phone for many years. I got it when I got divorced, went back to school and when the kids started school so I could be reached in case of emergency. There are only a small handful of people who know my number so when it rings it's usually important.

I started off with something like 25 hours a month. I never ever went over that amount.

Every few years, they would give me a new phone and a new contract. The price has remained the same because I don't choose to change the plan. But they keep giving me extras.

I now have something like 300 free minutes a month and unlimited evening and weekends. I still average less than 25 minutes a month.

Yesterday, I received my new phone for the next two years. It's a small flip phone. It has animated backgrounds, two dozen different ring options, voice activation, a small recorder, planner, games, calculator, alarm clocks, etc....

The instruction manual is bigger and weighs more than the phone.

It chirps, whistles, dings, rings, and vibrates.

I can text message, play my favorite songs, check emails, calculate tips, schedule appointments, and I can surf the web.

I am 1/2 way through the manual and I don't think I need a second phone to simply make and receive calls - I think this one also does that.

Folding Cranes

A former co-worker of a friend has been stricken with a illness that has left her staring at the white ceiling.

www.nicolegregory.com

Around Thanksgiving, some of her spinal fluid leaked out into her blood, clotted and caused a massive spinal stroke. She is currently paralyzed from the neck down (she is only 28 years old). After 3 months, she was finally able to move one shoulder. If she ever does recover...it's going to be a long process.

If you go to the website, you'll see that her cousin is asking for people to fold paper cranes for her (like that story Sadako the Paper Cranes). Apparently, in Japan, being delivered 1000 paper cranes is a sign for good health. She has received over 1000 already, but she's working on her second thousand. The directions to fold the cranes are on the website. If you'd like to help me fold a couple cranes, I'm planning on sending her a big box full. You can read more about her on her website.

The kids and I have been making cranes. My daughter adds eyes, eyelashes, nose holes and other artistic touches. She made one from tissue paper that is so very delicate. She is going to be taking the story to school to make more cranes.

My boys wanted to make crane droppings but I refused to give them the paper. They did "accidently" crash a few of the cranes they made.....sigh.

It's interesting how folding a piece of paper can connect you with a total stranger. When you touch the next sheet of paper in real life - who do you connect with?

About Women

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. I am getting better about this - of course if I need it and it's on sale, I never buy just one.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'. Guilty as charged. I am a mood dresser.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them. It took me a long long long time to ever let anyone see me cry. Now I realize that we all need to cry - and I need to let my children see me cry so they know when they feel similiar feelings that it's okay.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. Does this nailpolish make my butt look big?

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say. Not true anymore - I love the power of silence.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. Damn, it does help when someone else is the statue the bird chooses to shit on today.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need. Making a man grovel can be such a power trip.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. Guilty guilty guilty

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people. It doesn't count if you don't tell more than three people provided they don't talk to each other. Even psychologist talk to each other about clients in a very general manner (never divulging confidential information).

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. NEVER - I refuse to go in a group - it's demeaning. I can wipe my ass by my self. And I certainly don't want to have a friend hear me fart and the giggle about it all night long.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. Drives my teenage daughter nuts because when I am home I refuse to answer the phone unless I am expecting a call.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch. That's because men's brains have only two settings - neutral or park.

Women think all beer is the same. You mean it really isn't?

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. Actually, mine will smell like a ginger orange spice shop.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. So a woman watching her man watch sports would be killing two birds with one stone?

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. Only 21?

Women brush their hair before bed. Why? I have always had the most incredible bed head in the world - what would it do to brush it before bed?

Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed. Hahaha - brain freeze (think about it)

Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling. We also get paid more for sex.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple? And I am sure she plugged his nose and forced it down his throat. And if he had been more attentive to her needs she wouldn't have been wandering around seeking...

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?' We know a lot more than men think - we just choose to let them think they are in charge of something.

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. Architects who have been trained well by their mothers, daughters, and wives. Women wouldn't be so crass as to pee in a trough.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. They can't remember to wipe their weenies and replace the toliet paper roll --- what makes them think they could even try to name 5 of a woman's bathroom items?

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Superiority breeds comtempt --- think about it carefully. Cats are superior; men kick them in frustration.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Usually about how many times the man didn't ask for directions on the way home.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. We also don't scratch our privates in public - the point is what???

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. At least we arrive.

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards. Thats because there aren't many guys who can wear us out.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' We do but we want it to be based on our honesty not someone elses.

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. works for me

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'. notice that Ken's hands can't scratch his balls and since he can't reach to jack off - they decided "why waste the plastic making him a penis"

Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. Big, Bigger, Biggest - not insecure --- just trying to not intimidate friends

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. That's because it's usually a man behind us blaring his horn because he's lost and late

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. Nothing is a state of mind. (think about it)

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. Which is why we don't get lost.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. And men think a beer gut is a sign of manliness.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck.....

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'. Considering men don't wash hands and will eat out of a can....

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. And we get away with it - selfish or intelligent?

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble) Sit and pee - no problem.

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. Do you really want to touch splatter patterns?

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Considering most police officers are still men .... what's the problem if it works don't fix it.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? The man does get funnier the thicker his wallet gets.

Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay. touche'

It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together. So, who is more insecure?

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women. Another sign of mental superiority.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!' Dogs can eat the same food 3 times a day for 15 years - so what's the point?

Two Dates - One Event

I have two dates to the prom.

I asked Erik in a panic if he would go with me. He said yes. So now I have the "gay escort" date for the University's annual dinner dance.

But then Greg walks in my office (he got my email) and I was standing there with the invitation in my hand. Like an idiot, I asked him. He said he would be "honored to be seen escorting me." Started talking about it being time to buy a new suit ---- oh shit - it's semi formal.

Crap - now I have two dates and no dress.

Erik - safe, gay, funny
Greg - not really interested in me romantically, could be a player, easy to talk to

Double crap.

Oh and did I mention that both are over 6 feet tall and I am 5'4"

Damn, I guess this means I need to buy some heels as well.

Triple crap.