Squawking like a Chicken....

Received an invitation for the annual semi-formal dinner dance for the University I attend. My initial thought was to handle it the same way as I handled the last three invitations and tossing it into the garbage can.

This year, however, I hesitated. Perhaps I hesitated too long because soon my brain was churning with thoughts of "what if...." and "who would I ask...."

I am a single mother, age 42. I don't date. My friends are all single moms or married moms. We are nearing middle age --- date? Who has time? I work full time, go to school full time and raise children. Shit, if I didn't get up before them in the morning I wouldn't have time to use the bathroom by myself.

Not only that - but I really don't find men that appealing on a personal/commitment level. I have an exhusband. I am kinda soured on the idea of another man in my life. Besides - I have three children what do I need a fourth one for? I have batteries for my "toys". Other than maybe a crude joke now and then and a little extra money to bicker over --- what exactly could a man offer me? Love? - don't believe in that. Adult companionship - I have friends. Someone to talk to - again, friends work just fine.

So....back to the invitation in my hand. I kept it. I pondered. I pondered some more.

I decided to go - with an escort.

There is a gentleman at my office who I have a fairly comfortable friendship with. No romance, no sparks. But we talk and enjoy similar music. I decided I would ask him. No harm if he says no. However the fact that he is single, in the right age bracket, and intelligent does make me wonder if this would be classified as a date. Ugh, I hate albatrosses in my stomach. I will email him on Monday and ask him to stop by my office later.

Monday morning - I send the email.

I panic. Shit, I really panic.

Without thinking, I raced into Erik's office and boldly without thinking asked him to be my escort to the dinner dance. He says "yes" provided his calendar at home is clear (this means he need to check in with his partner).

Yes, I pulled the pathetic "ask the gay guy to escort me" routine. I hang my head in shame. I am woman, hear me whimper.

Now I am going to have to think up something to discuss with Greg.

Who knows, maybe Erik's calendar is already booked for that night.

Maybe I can do this all over again on Wednesday.

cluck, cluck

Vaccine for Mothers.......

I think there should be a vacine for mothers. I have spent the last 3 days taking care of my sick son - this morning I woke up feeling like something an alleycat either hacked up or shit out.

I wrote down some really awesome stuff to post but I grabbed the paper instead of a kleenex and well.....it was full of snot that you only get my ranting and raving about being cat droppings.

And multiple children - all that means is that the bug or whatever has set up home in our bodies will visit each child separately. I can look forward to the next couple of weeks taking care of one snotty nosed offspring or another.

All I can say is now is the time to consider old wives tales - a shot of brandy could do wonders to my attitude.

And one more thing....

Just so you all know the difference - I am not OBSESSING, I am PERSEVERATING.

Jenn (http://www.dejennerate.com/blogger.html) keeps copies of old chats we have had - what? who copies and saves instant messages?

Jenn has a big ugly terra cotta sheep and lamb

Jenn has a sheep pin

Jenn has sheep socks

Jenn has lots of stuffed sheep

Is Jenn obsessed with sheep?

MMMMMMM.....Jenn?

Oh....what? Yes, I did buy all those sheep for you - why do you ask?

Oh....nevermind.

Me? OCD?

A friend had the nerve to hint on her blog yesterday that I was OCD (okay she didn't just hint - she came out and said it). Now I am a licensed professional counselor so I am trained to spot those who are OCD and those who are not.

I looked in my DSM IV manual (American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Criteria). Of the five criteria, I have only three.

I also looked in my DSM III manual, the DSM II manual and the original DSM manual. Just in case there were updates, I also checked the APA website as well as 16 other OCD related websites.

I took 3 personality tests as well.

I am not OCD.

One mistake.....

Someone recently asked me how I talk to my children about marriage - do I discuss who they should/shouldn't marry? Would I forbid them from marrying if I disagreed with their choice?

I have three children, so this is something I may someday need to face.

I have always told my children "I don't care who you marry -

black/white/green/purple;
male/female/alien;
Catholic/Mormon/Atheist;
American/German/Iraqi;
Earthling/Martian/Vulcan

- as long as there is mutual love and respect....you are free to marry whomever you want to marry."

My daughter (being the sometimes smartass that she is) told me "considering the mistake you made choosing dad, I assume we are all entitled to one mistake along the way."

Someday when she is least expecting it I will ask her one or all of the following "

"Are you sure this is the time you want to make that ONE MISTAKE?"

"Do I have to fund this marriage mistake or can I wait until you make the right choice and pay for it then?"

"You are going to waste your ONE MISTAKE on this person?"

"Gee, at least my ONE MISTAKE was based on my biological clock ticking - what's your excuse?"

"Man, when you make a mistake, you don't do it half assed - you picked a total ass."

"Honey, this isn't ONE MISTAKE - this is a cluster fuck"

Count Snerk D'Fur

I suppose NOW I should explain Count Snerk D'Fur.

I wanted to get my friend Barking Shark (Amy) a very special xmas present. I look at Kohls. I looked at JCPenney's. I looked at Nordstrom. I looked at Herzberg Diamonds.

Nothing.

So I looked at Target. I looked at Walmart. I looked at K-Mart. I looked at my local grocery store.

Still nothing.

I looked at the Dollar Store.

Still nothing.

I headed to Goodwill. He had dirt between his toes. He has big buggy eyes. He has long ears - long nose - long tongue sticking out. He has a hole in his butt.

IT WAS HER VERY OWN TROLL.

I had to have it.

I went up to the counter cackling like a mad woman and asked the clerk if he would take $1.00 for it. He looked at me and said "Lady its so ugly no one else is gonna buy it - sure if you want it for a dollar you can have it."

During the week he sat by my computer, I fell in love with him. But sadly, he was not for me.

He now lives with Amy and wears her thongs when she isn't home.

But Count Snerk D'Fur will always carry my DNA in his butt. (Yes, Amy - I blew him a kiss after he was packed in the box - it was the only thing sticking up so what can I say).

You should have seen the clerks face when a week later I found Jenn's Christmas gift. $1.00 and Goodwill = EXCELLENT CHRISTMAS GIFTS for your friends.

Things I have not done today...

Dishes --- I made the kids do them before they watched a movie.

Laundry --- I ran out of laundry tokens and because of snow yesterday didn't go get any. Now I have to wait until Tuesday. Can we all say "two day rule"

Taxes --- I know Uncle Sam owes me money. I consider it only being a good American to let him hold on to it for a few more hours.

Homework --- Have you ever tried to critique an article that is strictly statistical? Gee, makes me yearn for more laundry tokens.

Sort socks --- The thought of sorting 109 white socks just doesn't do anything for me.

Make kids clean their rooms --- see socks above

Scrub behind toliet --- why?

Things I will also not do today ---

Organize spice cabinet
Sort through junk mail
Clean out purse
Pick lint out of bellybutton

The average morning...

Alarm goes off at 5:30am. I hit snooze - I vaguely remember that today, like everyday, I am supposed to get up and walk on treadmill for 30 minutes.

5:45 am - alarm goes off again, I hit snooze and tell myself it's okay - I will walk tomorrow

6:00 am - alarm goes off and this time after I hit snooze but actually sit up in bed.

6:05 am - move from bed and head to bathroom. I shower with my Bath and Body Orange Ginger shampoo. Supposed to revitalize me. Only works when I get it in my eyes.

6:15 am - daughter storms into bathroom "mom, you forgot to turn off your alarm clock AGAIN" I say nothing because I forgot on purpose ---- it wakes her up and that's all that matters.

6:20am - waking up boys.

Get dressed.

Wake up boys again.

Start drying hair.

Wake up boys again.

Put eggs in water to boil.

Wake up boys again.

Make oatmeal.

Wake up boys again. This time it works because I have threatened to make them get dressed AT school if they can't do it at home.

Put on earrings, rings and cell phone - gather briefcase

Eat breakfast.

7:00 am - leave house.

7:02 am - return to house to get whatever someone forgot - sometimes its a kid - sometimes its a hat - rarely is it something really important like homework or band instrument. That will be remembered later with a frantic call to me. (I never race home - they have to learn the consequences of forgetting. These calls are becoming less frequent as the kids realize that all I will say is "that's too bad.")

7:15 am - drop off boys at school.

7:20 am - drop off daughter at school.

7:30 am - Stop at starbucks for a cup of coffee - using my punch card I count down to free cup of coffee (every 7th cup is free).

8:00 am - arrive at work.

Is it over yet.....

Just heard the weather forecast - possibility of 9 - 11 inches of snow followed by 2 - 4 inches of lake affect snow.

Now, I've done the sledding and snowboarding with the kids. I have the piles of coats, boots, gloves, hats, scarves, snowpants, winter underware, ear muffs, etc. cluttering up my entry way. I have a dozen left handed gloves and only 2 right handed gloves.

I have fallen on the ice and tore part of my rotator cuff - I am still in physical therapy.

I have scrapped the snow from my windshield enough to actually break a snow scraper. There are now four scrapers in the car - one for me and one for each kid. No reason they can't scrap their own windows now.

I have chapped lips, chapped thighs and chapped fingers. I know the chapped thighs are not from winter but chapped things just come in threes.

I am done with winter.

It's January 21st and I don't want no more -25 with windchill weather.

I quit.

Tomorrow morning I am going to wear shorts and a t-shirt and I am not going to leave my house. I am going to use the indoor grill and make hotdogs and I am going to wear my sandals. I am going to drink ice tea and lemonade. I am going to put on sun screen. I am going to wear sunglasses.

Tomorrow afternoon I will borrow an Ativan from a friend and go sledding with the kids.

My Favorite Blogs

Wanna read some blogs that make me look normal? These are the blogs of my very good friends....

http://www.dejennerate.com/

and

http://barkingshark.blogspot.com/

4am screams.........

I was awoken at 4am this morning to bloodcurdling screams from my 7 year old son Dane. He was in the bathroom standing in the tub pointing to a little bundle of fur on the bathroom rug. Sitting on the rug was the most terrified dwarf hamster you have ever seen.

Yes, Ne has finally returned home.

Back in the middle of December I bought the kids two baby dwarf hamsters. They were too small to have whole names so one became Ne and the other became Mo (NeMo). The first night in their dwarf hamster cage, Ne escaped. We looked everywhere. We set humane traps to catch him alive. For weeks we looked and hoped and finally accepted the fact that he was running where the wild things live.

Almost 30 days later.....there he was sitting on the rug in the bathroom shaking in terror as Dane screamed. I was able to pick him up and put him in a temporary cage. I will be going at lunch break and buying him a simple escape proof home (I can't put him back with Mo because of the time away and they will be too territorial and will probably fight).

I am sure there is a good moral lesson to be learned about not giving up on someone....maybe....but not right now, I am still drinking my coffee and trying to keep my blearly eyes open.

Not my original thoughts (but they come close)

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you!

from the mouth of babes.......

The other night my children were discussing a movie "All Dogs go to Heaven". After a while they drew me into the conversation.

Some of the many questions asked ---

There are people who believe in heaven. Do these people who believe in heaven believe that animals will also go to heaven?

If animals go to heaven and they had many owners, who get's them?

What happens if you had lots of pets?

Does your path believe that animals go to species specific heavens?

I told my children that I didn't know the specific answers and that I would research the questions; part of my research is asking for other people's opinions.

My son (age 7) had the final thought on the subject.

Son: Mom, if there is a mouse heaven, it will be huge compared to human heaven."

Me: Why is that?

Son: Because a human will live to be like 80 and have only a few children. A mouse will live to be 6 and can have like 20 babies a year. So in 80 years there might be 5 new humans from one family to go to human heaven but in 80 years there might be thousands of mice to go to mouse heaven. Mouse heaven would have to be HUGE. Human heaven would be puny.